Artifacts of a Life Once Lived

The coffee at Panera is unbearably bad tonight. It's lukewarm and bitter for whatever reason. Maybe its a sign of the times. Bad market, bad coffee. It's probably a Salmonish way for those rich executives to get back at us. They're thinking, "If your not going to spend as much money at our restaurant, then we're going to serve you bitter coffee! HAHA!" Ya, thanks! Merry Christmas you cheapskates! I guess I could try the other brew's, the hazelnut or the dark roast, but I stick with the light roast. For some strange reason I think "light" means less caffeine, which is clearly a misnomer. It's just a lighter flavor. I can't fall asleep as fast if I drink caffeine past 8. I know what you're thinking. Drink the decaffeinated, then. I can't. There's something inauthentic about drinking decaffeinated coffee that doesn't make the coffee drinking experience as fulfilling. Any way, the light roast will have to do tonight. I left my...

In 2008: Turned 27 years old, and instantly became depressed. Began my fourth year as an employee at Trinity Real Estate Solutions... no comment. Graduated from Seminary with a masters degree, why? Went to Alaska, fell in love with it, and bought a wolf hat. Gambled in the Las Vegas Airport, and loved every minute of it. Honored as a groomsman in two weddings; once as the best man... Dig and Kig! Chased steers in Oklahoma, and lost. Involved in my first car accident, and got paid! Cashed my first Economic Stimulus check, thank you George W. Shaved my head as an act in the acceptance of baldness. Dated my roommates ex-girlfriend, and lived to tell about it. Worked-out consistently for the year, lost 15 pounds of fat. Witnessed the addictive power of Dunnhills, decided it wasn't best. Became a member of the Apple Computer Cult with the purchase of a MacBook, and love it. Volunteered for K-Life and HPPC as a youth leader, and realized I wasn't cut out for youth work. Visited my Al...

My dear friend, First, you are not a horrible friend? Whatever gave you that idea? If anyone here is a "horrible" friend, it is yours truly. I am perhaps the most selfish person I know. I would more readily chose myself over you any day. See, I have never prayed for you. I have never thought to pray for you. I will tell you that I will pray for you (and may very well have), but I haven't. How can I say I care for you and never lift you up to my savior? That is going to change. I struggle everyday to get over myself. I often feel strong guilt over my "internalness". I am cursed with a spirit of internalness. The past few months have been a unending internal battle. I often think that God is silent for no other reason than to be silent, to be unreachable, to be "wholly other." I often think he keeps things from me... things that I deeply desire because I have at some point in the past sinned horrendously against Him. This has led only to a form or spiri...

 

Advent is something new to me. Sadly, the tradition I grew up in selectively ignored church traditions and events which regarded adhering to the liturgical Church calender. Pure religion throws off old stuffy tradition because it wasn't from the heart, or at least that's what I was told. Well, here I am, 27 years of church later and this is the first year that I will consider Advent leading up to Christmas. I was particularly moved by today's reading according to the Revised Common Lectionary out of Psalm 40. Psalm 40:11-13 (TNIV) pierced me deeply, as an arrow through the heart. It reads : 11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. 13 Be pleased to save me, LORD; come quickly, LORD, to help me. When I often think of t...

Finding my way through life often provokes a propensity to question the "truth" that I have been given a special purpose or plan. I think we all hold this belief a priori to our thinking about life. We say, "I can't be here for no reason! Surely not!" It's preposterous to think that I am simply the product of two humans filling the desire to copulate and propagate its own species for the sake of survival. No, I am here for a very special purpose! That I have been given a very special purpose was ingrained into my head from my days as a boy. "God has a very special plan for you, and you don't want to miss out!" This statement, now that I think about it, is more like a military tactic. A tactic of authority to get me line with all the other "good" boys and girls. Because if I do not live like all the other good boys and girls (or men and women for that matter), I will some how forgo the opportunity to participate in that very special pl...

 

American religion is by far the most fascinating topic I have come across. Sure politics is interesting (but pointless), technology never ceases to amaze me (how much technology do we really need? LOTS! This very post is built on the backs of thousands of technology slaves!), sporting events consistently have my attention even though I could care less (go Sabres! wait, I have yet to watch a game), but nothing grabs my attention more than the good, bad, and the ugly of American religion, especially Christianity, and more specifically Evangelical Christianity. Broad and sweeping statements never get anybody anywhere. As a matter of fact, life is so complicated and so chaotic that anybody who dares generalize anything at all has forgotten that the color wheel produces thousands of shades and hues. That's why Baptists and Republicans have it all wrong in their logical theories of life's non-complexity! FREE MARKET REIGNS! (Not an over-generalization, in case you were wondering). So...

I was honored as the best man in my diggy and kiggy's wedding! We had a MASSIVE wedding party!

My Father says, "you are my beloved." I say I am "unlovable." Quite honestly, I often feel a sense of alienation so strong that the incessant scraping of that awareness would soon cause my soul to bleed, if a soul could bleed. It's the kind of scraping that steadily breaches the callousness of my heart and exposes raw flesh in all of its dark redness and fleshy tenderness. The difficulty is that along with this sense or awareness of alienation, at the same time, I feel a deep sense of longing. I often think I could manage a whole lot better if I only sensed the awareness of alienation, and not the sense of longing to be loved. The indescribable longing to be loved, longing to feel worth, longing to experience the satisfaction of an intimate relationship with a lover, or a deep friendship, or a committed family. But alas, it is absent. Or is it? Am I not my Father's beloved son? I realize that living in a giant organized mess called "the city", thes...

A while back in a mid-way reflection of Scot McKnight's Blue Parakeet I offered few thoughts concerning the first half. Yesterday I finished Blue Parakeet. Thankfully so, my views of reading and interpreting the Bible were challenged, sharpened, and broadened. In most, if not all, expressions of Christianity holy Scripture stands as the central and most formative document informing the uniquely Christian understanding of true life and true faith and true wisdom. Yet the fact that humans (fallen and imperfect) interpret these ancient documents; some apart from the past and present body of faith, some in a lust for power and authority, but most out of good faith and Spirit-humility, makes the enterprise a perpetually delicate one. The church is assured by Christ that the Spirit will guide all understanding and truth, but again, their stands the danger - the chaff must be sifted from the wheat. The fact is, a new generation of believers ensures a re-engaging of the Scriptures. This ...

Dan MacFadyen, pastor (?), of Amplify Church in Colorado Springs , CO is getting some attention . This is crazy. I went to college with Dan MacFadyen. We were both “preacher boys” at Pensacola Christian College, an ultra-conservative fundamentalist institution training young men and woman to hold dearly to the “faith of their fathers” (independent Baptist’s) in the face of ‘secular humanism’ and ‘liberal neo-evangelicalism’ (interpret: everyone but independent Baptists who send their homeschooled children to PCC). Both are, in the mind of the institution, equally evil. Listening to Contemporary Christian Music is the beginning stage of all that is reprehensible in God’s little community behind the 8-foot gates protecting surrounding the campus. If PCC knows about what Dan is doing, I guarantee you they are praying for his “salvation” and the people he is “leading astray.” Interestingly enough I go...

Google Reader and iGoogle combined have saved me. My mind-numbing “job” dulls my brain. I get stupider every day. Consider this: I attended school for 22 straight years (Primary School, Junior High, High School, College [5 years], and Seminary [4 years]). Then, all of a sudden I graduate, and it stops. No more class, no more homework, no papers, no more scoping the cute girls at the beginning of the semester, and no more thinking. Now, I do the same thing every day. Day in, day out. I have learned my job so well that I don’t have to think. Yes, I make mistakes, but it’s because I’m not thinking. Thinking is not part of my job description. I just do. Click, Click, Click… ad infinitum. School is life-giving because it continuously prods the mind. School is the presence and presentation of ideas. Ideas are like sparks and students are like tinder. Sparks continuously fly, sooner or later a spark catches and you are on fire with discovery. But fires ...

Andi, the lady who owns the Dunn Brothers coffee shop I daily frequent during the work week, asked me one day a while back if I had ever read The Shack . I hadn’t. She raved over it. My friend Austin consistently slammed, among other things, its cavalier Trinitarian theology, even to the point of alleging heresy. Fact is, I’d heard all the buzz, and had no intentions of reading it. Andi told me it was rock solid and would change my life. Austin told me it is like chaff to the wind. I trust Austin ’s theological astuteness (he’s a fellow Th.M. guy) more than I trust Andi’s. Austin and I think in similar Christian historical and theological paradigms.  Any way, Andi brought it up again a few weeks ago. So as not to raise any issue, I told Andi I would “think about it,” knowing full well I probably wouldn’t. I had visions of John Eldridge’s ridiculous Wild at Heart running through my head. They’re books meant to mak...

Leading a 9th grade boys bible study for a few dedicated guys on Wednesday nights has proven somewhat difficult. This is the first time I have tried my hand at "teaching" a bible study for freshman boys. Some seasoned veterans in the bible study department have informed me that the difference between freshmen boys and sophomore boys with regards to maturity and life development is the difference between night and day. I believe it and it is quickly becoming evident in the group. Interestingly enough, out of personal preference I have chosen to study the book of Proverbs with these guys. This has proven to be a very difficult task. It is difficult for the very reason that my inability to clearly communicate, let alone simply keep their attention, the importance of pursuing wisdom as a life-long discipline. Proverbs talks a lot about wisdom, but it doesn't come out and say, "This is wisdom: do A, B, and C." Yes, "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdo...

READ THIS POST FIRST MY MOTHER : "I'm a registered Conservative, but my vote counted since they endorsed McCain, so I guess it all depends on who the Libertarian's endorse, and even if it were someone difference, at least you would have had a part in voting for the "most" righteous candidate, and McCain was the one even though he's still not the Christian ideal! Remember, Bill Clinton was a "pro-choice" candidate as well as one who furthered the homosexual agenda, so it wasn't surprising to me that 9/11 happened after his term was up and it's not surprising that the economy is faltering so badly now, and it won't surprise me if Obama continues the downward spiral, even if it is into socialistic policies since that's how Europe has gone since they left off looking to God. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world is doing since the majority have been anti-God for so long and their nations have paid for that for centuries (Dark...

MOM : “It's too bad that you can't bring yourself to vote in the election - I'm sure there were 8 million more like you that resulted in the election of Obama! But since our confidence is not in men, it really doesn't matter to a point. but the Bible does say "When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn" (Proverbs 29:2). I was certainly groaning on the day after the election, but I know the Lord is the one who ultimately sets up who He wants whether in judgment for unrighteousness (Babylonians, Assyrians, etc.) or for blessing when a country honors Him, for "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord." Since we're far removed from God being the Lord of America, I know where it's headed!” ME : “Mom, I love you. First of all, my not voting did not mean a thing. I live in Texas and the Texas electoral votes went to John McCain, remember? Second, I would have probably voted for the...

America elects a pro-choice candidate and suddenly my fellow Christian brothers and sisters head for the hills screaming the world has come to an end. Are not abortion rates much higher in several other countries? Why aren't we just as concerned about "life" in those countries? America elects an economically progressive candidate and people are screaming "socialism" preparing for a Rapture. (An mid-1800's invention of conservative Christian theology). Doesn't America know that Democracy is one of the youngest political philosophies to be employed? Why do we think the fate of the world depends on the success of our economical and political philosophies? America is struggling economically, and Jesus is now coming back to rescue his 2000 year old church from this difficult tribulation. Doesn't America remember that its only 232 years old? Why does God's blessing equate with monetary blessing? Why do American Christians constantly tie the end of the ...

I have noticed a pattern. I have three typical moods, and thus three separate "moods" of music. Each particular mood coincides with a particular mood of music. Interestingly enough, each mood typically coincides with a particular time of day. MOOD #1: MELANCHOLY GENRE: Indi-Rock, Pop, Alternative, Electronic ARTISTS: Damien Rice, Radiohead, Death Cab, Enigma, Mute Math, Copeland, Coldplay TOD: Early morning during workday DESCRIPTION: Typically I listen to this music during the day when I have found that I am particularly aware of my alone-ness, and especially futility in working a meaningless job. I find this music identifying with my felt situation - disappointment, sadness, loneliness, meaninglessness. I find this music soothing. It helps me cope knowing that others feel the same way. I prefer to spend my time in this mood. During this time I will have some "serious" conversations with God. He typically tells me to get over myself. It's usually what I need t...

What recourse when Uncertainty's too friendly? A jovial pup may find its friend too fragile Surprise of course endears to us the ending Though crickets abound pity playmate less agile * A poem by the Southern Salmon published without his express written consent. ** art