there
is an angst in my heart, the origin of which i do not know, its always nagging. an unrest of sorts, i lie awake thinking about it, but for no reason because its purpose escapes my understanding. its not anxiety, though at times i do feel anxiety, this is different. its like a lonliness of being, like an unsettledness of life... its not that im not happy, its that i have this angst and i dont know why. i feel, and i feel but feeling cannot grasp the burning, its as the angst evades any knowing. i have all kinds of ideas, maybe a longing for companionship, a longing for recognition, a longing to be heard, a longing to break out of my mold of complacency, a yearning for true purpose, all of these together maybe. i feel angst when i watch t.v. probably because i know i am simply waisting my life starring mindlessly at mass quantities of images. i feel angst when i go down to sleep. maybe because i know i have failed to satisfy my angst that day thus i cannot allow myself to sleep until i find what is ailing me. perfection is what i need. perfection in being and living and doing. no, thats not it. is it women? they seem to be so simple, they just want to love, but they resist giving themselves for some reason. probably for the same reason i do. but why do i? i think for the most part i have this idea that out there somewhere there is waiting a woman beyond women. she is beautiful, soft, tender, quiet but wise with her words, kind, reviving, refreshing, loving, caring, but all this is nonsense. surely i cannot expect to find that which is as rare a purity itself. can i expect to possess something which i cannot even attain to myself? is this not non-sense. i suppose so, but i still like the thought of it. nonetheless my angst still remains. i suppose it is possible that my angst is the unsettling conviction of gods spirit, however for the most part i am no mystic, but deep down i wish i experienced more of god rather than always trying to understand and define god. is it possibly that i know my spiritual life, and hence my person, is not exactly what i wished it to be?... but what i wished it to be still stinks of the stench of fundamentalistic legalism. my refined understanding of grace and being in favor with god is never dependent upon my actions, but rather the sole grace and mercy of god. i suppose my previous view of gods grace was that when i was bad he forgave but he only did so because his character said he had to, however i still had to get back onto his good side by performing greater deeds of goodness... greater than the depth of my sins. i suppose this is part of my angst, a desire to be exactly what i was created to be. but i have failed, i have fallen prey to sin, no... rather i have befriended sin, called him my friend, i have played the harlot. who can i blame but me? the community of christ has been betrayed, i have given my allegience to the power of death, i have taken an oath of self. is that not what i care most about? i care most about myself. is this possibly the root of my angst? my pursuit to king my own heart, to make myself? i am trying to play this out in my mind... and i think it makes sense. lets see if i can put this in logical statements. my angst comes from a sense of unfulfillment, failed expectations, insignificance, longings to satisfy my hearts desire, whatever they may be, even loneliness. so i have these feelings (the angst), but the angst really arises in a my hope to "cure" these feelings. how can i fix my problem? how can i make myself feel more significant? how can i exceed my needless expectations and rid myself of self-inflicted guilt? in what will i find fulfillment? a job, a lifestyle, an accomplishment, a possession, a bloted bank account? above all i want to rid myself of guilt, guilt of my past actions, of my facade, of my emptiness, of my false love, my self centeredness. in the end suppose my angst is my desire to either right all my wrongs without the consequence of memory or my angst is to satisfy my self-imposed ideas of success, meaning, purpose, love, and fame or maybe its both in combination. is there any one else who feels these thoughts?
is an angst in my heart, the origin of which i do not know, its always nagging. an unrest of sorts, i lie awake thinking about it, but for no reason because its purpose escapes my understanding. its not anxiety, though at times i do feel anxiety, this is different. its like a lonliness of being, like an unsettledness of life... its not that im not happy, its that i have this angst and i dont know why. i feel, and i feel but feeling cannot grasp the burning, its as the angst evades any knowing. i have all kinds of ideas, maybe a longing for companionship, a longing for recognition, a longing to be heard, a longing to break out of my mold of complacency, a yearning for true purpose, all of these together maybe. i feel angst when i watch t.v. probably because i know i am simply waisting my life starring mindlessly at mass quantities of images. i feel angst when i go down to sleep. maybe because i know i have failed to satisfy my angst that day thus i cannot allow myself to sleep until i find what is ailing me. perfection is what i need. perfection in being and living and doing. no, thats not it. is it women? they seem to be so simple, they just want to love, but they resist giving themselves for some reason. probably for the same reason i do. but why do i? i think for the most part i have this idea that out there somewhere there is waiting a woman beyond women. she is beautiful, soft, tender, quiet but wise with her words, kind, reviving, refreshing, loving, caring, but all this is nonsense. surely i cannot expect to find that which is as rare a purity itself. can i expect to possess something which i cannot even attain to myself? is this not non-sense. i suppose so, but i still like the thought of it. nonetheless my angst still remains. i suppose it is possible that my angst is the unsettling conviction of gods spirit, however for the most part i am no mystic, but deep down i wish i experienced more of god rather than always trying to understand and define god. is it possibly that i know my spiritual life, and hence my person, is not exactly what i wished it to be?... but what i wished it to be still stinks of the stench of fundamentalistic legalism. my refined understanding of grace and being in favor with god is never dependent upon my actions, but rather the sole grace and mercy of god. i suppose my previous view of gods grace was that when i was bad he forgave but he only did so because his character said he had to, however i still had to get back onto his good side by performing greater deeds of goodness... greater than the depth of my sins. i suppose this is part of my angst, a desire to be exactly what i was created to be. but i have failed, i have fallen prey to sin, no... rather i have befriended sin, called him my friend, i have played the harlot. who can i blame but me? the community of christ has been betrayed, i have given my allegience to the power of death, i have taken an oath of self. is that not what i care most about? i care most about myself. is this possibly the root of my angst? my pursuit to king my own heart, to make myself? i am trying to play this out in my mind... and i think it makes sense. lets see if i can put this in logical statements. my angst comes from a sense of unfulfillment, failed expectations, insignificance, longings to satisfy my hearts desire, whatever they may be, even loneliness. so i have these feelings (the angst), but the angst really arises in a my hope to "cure" these feelings. how can i fix my problem? how can i make myself feel more significant? how can i exceed my needless expectations and rid myself of self-inflicted guilt? in what will i find fulfillment? a job, a lifestyle, an accomplishment, a possession, a bloted bank account? above all i want to rid myself of guilt, guilt of my past actions, of my facade, of my emptiness, of my false love, my self centeredness. in the end suppose my angst is my desire to either right all my wrongs without the consequence of memory or my angst is to satisfy my self-imposed ideas of success, meaning, purpose, love, and fame or maybe its both in combination. is there any one else who feels these thoughts?