8/15/2016

im not confused. im not lost. im failing. my failure drows me. its an anchor pulling be with every turn of the crank. i fail and i lose my composure. i find that worth in my soul is lost. well, they say that life isnt about me and i never thought it was for a second, but i struggle. is there cause to be dissatisfied with the progress of your life? the past generation would tell me to pick myself up because it was dependent upon me. they tell me life is what i make of it. to a degree i suppose there is truth, but does my situation play a part? i was not born into a rich family, rather a religious family who found little value in money and wisely so. but if life is what i make of it, could it not have been better by the simple fact of having been born into a more priviliged family? obviously so. so you cant tell me that the responsibility rests solely on me. i cant make my life better by simply trying. situations have to work, and connections must be made. now i divert, my mind begins following a different path, why do i need a better life and what is the definition of a better life? obviously i have come off the path a bit, because this is not about a better life financially or with regard to status, but its about life free from frustration, free from feeling the misery of my past. what i envision my life to be and what it is are poles apart. part of my failure is that what my society tells me is that i should have my life planned out. like corporations, with their professional 5 year goals and their plans, im suppossed to know what it is i am made for and where it is i am going to go. does that not take away from the mystery of life. who am i to know what i want to do? i want to do so many things, there are so many ways in which i want to impact lives. call me crazy but one of the things i really believe i was meant for was finding a solution to trash, yes trash. how to deal with garbage. i dont know where to begin or what i would even do. any way, this is beside the point that im a failure because i have no idea what i am going to do and apparently i am supposed to have that all figured out. i just read a book by don miller "blue like jazz" and it was amazing because everything he wrote about was me. you might as well have put scott grace as the author because everything he wrote was everthing that see and feel except his theology which is a bit fatalistic. so i found a mirror of my thoughts in his book. having done so i feel as a bigger failure because i know that i am going to do nothing about what i read. i was moved to be more active and i know i will rest back in my cozey corner where i cannot be bothered by anyone elses problems. here is where i am an even larger failure. relationships, they are the most difficult thing i have to deal with. i dont always like people and i get in moods where people make me sick. they annoy me, they weigh me down, i wish they would fade, but at the same time i really want deep relationships, i want to find a person with the need of love and give it to them. i dont mean just romantic love, but love of a person. i want this so bad but i dont know how to even bring up the subject because i know i cant even express how i feel. how DO i feel? i dont know! i cant put my finger on it. people mean a lot to me, but part of my problem is dissatisfaction with those whom i am in relationship with. i guess i have the "the grass is greener on the otherside" syndrome. i feel like there are people with whom i could share life with that are better than the ones i know. but then again here is my failure, the only reason i want better people to be friends with is because it will increase my status, how people view me. so i cant really point to how my heart feels, but it feels for something nonetheless. back to the point, im a failure because i dont know what i want to do, and my relational skills are below the norm for the standard assesstment test. so i battle, on and on in my head, i fight myself and blame myself for not being a good friend, for not being perfect according to the standard i set in my head. and here again, i have set a standard of which i cannot explain. however it has more to do with perfection in life skills. case and point, i dont ever call my friends of whom i no longer see. like brannon. we have so much in common, but he is in kentucky and im in texas. obviously we never see each other unless it is intentional and a lot of money is spent of which i dont have. the only way to keep in contact is to call, but i never do. and i feel bad. i get down on myself for not calling and still i never do. why do i get angry with myself so much. such little things get me down, like dropping something. a good example is my toothbrush. its in this little green plastic container, so when i open it to get my toothbrush sometimes it falls out onto the floor. that makes me so angry and then i honestly yell at myself. i tell myself "this is so easy to do and you cant even do it right!" " you only have to pull this open and get the toothbrush," but i dont, i drop it and i get angry because its such a simple task and i cant do it right! oh it angers me just thinking about it. simple tasks that go wrong anger me. if its simple i should be able to do it without difficulty, if i have difficulty i see it as a failure. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. im a failure because i cant live up to the standards i set for everyone else! i think people should be one way because its noble or christian, but then im not even that way! is there someone that can help me? know i dont even know why i am writing. im writing because im frustrated at being a failure. i dont know what i want to do, my relationships are bad (because of me) and my expectations set for others are not even met by myself. but am i really a failure? what is the definition of success and who has stardardized that definition and what gives him or her the right to stardardize that definition? im a mess, were a mess. the worlds a mess. but i dont want to be part of the problem. i tell myself continuously that i am going to step out and risk, but i dont. i dont because i dont even know what i want risk on, i have a vision of risk but no vision for that risk. gosh, what is wrong with me.