today in class my prof. put up on the projector a ppt. slide containing several words, most of which were tension words, words involving intense emotional, psychological, and mental processes, such words as 'broken', 'despair', 'weak', etc. and we were asked to pick a word with which we identified most. quite honestly none of the words really spoke to my personal paradigm perfectly, so i thought, what word would identify most with me, so i pondered, and finally it appeared, 'scattered'. scattered is the state of my brain. my mind has so much to deal with i cannot even begin to sort priorities versus non-priority needless to mention any other event which might find importance. i have so many thoughts each day, thoughts which require my attention, thoughts that will change the way i live, thoughts that, if i write down, might be worth something some day. nonetheless, the purpose of my prof. was to show that when learning is done in tension there is necessarily heavier learning and retention, in essence work is accomplished. well, i appreciated his point, but i got to thinking that this word, scattered is the opposite of my character. see, i hate disorder, i despise clutter, i keep a clean room, atleast i try to keep my part clean. on my outside i am clean, orderly, but on the inside i have no idea, my mind is in constant sway, constant dissaray, and i dont know why. i feel i have the weight of the world upon me, i feel that perfection is required in my person, if feel that if i do not accomplish great things my life will be a failure, these all lend to the scatteredness of my soul. i want to be broken and put back together, i want to be spilled out and gathered up again in hopes that this will provide some mental stability. i dont know where to begin, where to start putting the scattered pieces into cohesion, im so busy i cant stop and smell the roses. life is not enjoyable in a state of scatteredness. where do i begin to assess my problem, who can i compare this to, who has gone through this very thing or something similar? how can i stop?
Kevin, At this time I believe it is necessary that I inform you of what is going on internally. As a high school boys soccer coach I learned that you want team captains who are fully dedicated to the team’s success. If they aren’t, the entire team struggles to reach its goals. While I am part of the FBBC team, I believe I am lacking in this desired leadership quality myself. After seven full months in my current position, I do not believe my passions are managing money for the church. As a result I do not have internal peace about the longevity of my current position. I believe there are better people for this role. I believe FBBC would be a stronger organization if a person more suited for this role were here. I c...