today in class my prof. put up on the projector a ppt. slide containing several words, most of which were tension words, words involving intense emotional, psychological, and mental processes, such words as 'broken', 'despair', 'weak', etc. and we were asked to pick a word with which we identified most. quite honestly none of the words really spoke to my personal paradigm perfectly, so i thought, what word would identify most with me, so i pondered, and finally it appeared, 'scattered'. scattered is the state of my brain. my mind has so much to deal with i cannot even begin to sort priorities versus non-priority needless to mention any other event which might find importance. i have so many thoughts each day, thoughts which require my attention, thoughts that will change the way i live, thoughts that, if i write down, might be worth something some day. nonetheless, the purpose of my prof. was to show that when learning is done in tension there is necessarily heavier learning and retention, in essence work is accomplished. well, i appreciated his point, but i got to thinking that this word, scattered is the opposite of my character. see, i hate disorder, i despise clutter, i keep a clean room, atleast i try to keep my part clean. on my outside i am clean, orderly, but on the inside i have no idea, my mind is in constant sway, constant dissaray, and i dont know why. i feel i have the weight of the world upon me, i feel that perfection is required in my person, if feel that if i do not accomplish great things my life will be a failure, these all lend to the scatteredness of my soul. i want to be broken and put back together, i want to be spilled out and gathered up again in hopes that this will provide some mental stability. i dont know where to begin, where to start putting the scattered pieces into cohesion, im so busy i cant stop and smell the roses. life is not enjoyable in a state of scatteredness. where do i begin to assess my problem, who can i compare this to, who has gone through this very thing or something similar? how can i stop?
My friend and fellow recovering ex-fundamentalist , I greet you joyously knowing the freedom you have found in leaving fundamentalism, however I am saddened by your departure as a whole from our Lord. I indeed understand the hardship which you have faced is cause for questioning God’s existence, faithfulness, and love to his creation. I would like to respond to you because I feel like I understand your socio-religious background. Let me first tell you my goal is not to re-convert you, but rather to give you a second thought from one who grew up in similar roots, whose posture of faith remains bent toward the gospel. I also grew up in ultra-conservative fundamentalism. If names like Peter Ruckman, Jack Hyles, Arlin Horton, etc, mean anything to you than you will understand. I graduated from PCC. OMG. I cannot believe it, but it’s true. What a crazy place. Fear, guilt, shame, legalism were the name of the game! As long as you “caught the spirit” all of life would be good and God would b...