having a passion for life.
when i was in college "passion" was one of those words that caused red flags to go up in my head. i guess its because as a teenager i went to an extremely conservative church and we were expected (if of course we were to be spiritual) to have moving experiences of the spirit, and then we would arise to the spiritual status of being "on fire" for the Lord. to this day im still not sure what it means to be "on fire" (dispensationalists, we are really allegoricists when it comes to your own talking!!). the best example of this is summer camp. we would go away to camp for a week or so. it was like clockwork, about the 3rd night or so the singing would last a bit longer and then the invitations would be longer, until the end of the week on the last night or the last two nights we would have "revival." kids would get saved (again), others would get all emotional and cry and get things "right" in their lives. we would make decisions of which we really did mean. to really tell if we had a renewed passion for god we could always tell by how long the singing went on after the meeting. if we all gathered around a fire and sang for a couple hours we knew that there was a true "passion" in our hearts and now we were considered "on fire" and would go home to spread the renewed flame. ya, we went home and two weeks later there was no difference, things were back to normal. all our rock and roll that we threw away (but really didnt) was back in our cd players, and all that time we spent making out with our girlfriends was reviving. so much for "passion."
so that was my difficulty with the word "passion" it brought back to many memories of useless and environmentally engineered emotionalism. i remember distinctly one of my first few days here in dallas at the seminary. i was walking into the dining commons and preparing to get a tray and silverware when one of "those" guys came up to me. he asked, "so whats your passion?" Inside my head i rolled my eyes, and said "I cant escape this mess, its everywhere, even in seminary!" So i answered the unlikely answer just to throw him off. I said, "books." Im sure he was expecting a more ministry oriented answer like "youth" or "evangelism" or "small groups" or something like that, but ya, i said "books." In his effort to remain "relevant" (another code word) he said something along the lines of "thats cool." to this day i am still friends with the guy and he is not what i expected him to be, he was just using what he thought was "seminary-speak", see, he had been on the campus of the University of California - Berkely for four years or so and he just thought seminary would be different from a secular university. i think he just wanted to be my friend so he was making small talk. any way, thats what i feared for so long. passion which equaled engineered emotionalism. i hate engineered emotionalism because i hate fake. i think i hate fake so much because i was so fake for so long! i walked the walk, i talked the talk, i even went to camp and got set "on fire!" not really, but you know what i mean.
so you see, i disliked this "passion" word because of what it reminded me of. you to understand you have to follow this: in college, my third year, i became enlightened. i started reading books in the library and soon i was encountered with the theological societies, journals, the evangelical academic publishers, andquickly i realized that the christianity in which i was raised and the christianity of the school of which i was attending was just simply a product of the 2nd great awakening revivalist, anti-intellectual, emotionalistic, individualistic thinking. and as is normal with most people who are enlightened, i became prideful. i looked down upon all my class mates who were so ignorant of the truth! the truth was found in the books (i thought)! now i was in the library 5 hours a night every night unless i had some athletic event to attend. i graduated with honors having not received anything less than an A in a long time. so i went to seminary with this great pride, i graduated college dissenting from their institution and everyone in the bible faculty knew it. i got to seminary and found that the people here were no different than the other christians i knew.
so my problem with passion is obvious. it reminds me of my past christianity and my college alma mater's thinking. it is foolish (i thought), the answers are in the books (i thought)! guess what happened? i burned out on academics. it still has been over 3 years since i have had anything but an A in school, but now things are different. i dont know what happened. i dont know where i took the fork in the road. i think it was the slave-master called knowledge that caused me to run. there are so many books, so many viewpoints, so many theories and philosophies, surely no one person can even learn about them all in their lifetime, let alone master any one of them! so now, this passion thing doesnt seem so bad, but its still not the same passion that i am reminded of when i think of the revivalistic mentality. its a renewed passion. a passion to live life to the full, to find fullfilment in god and his purpose for my life.
have i found that passion yet? no. but i think about it. don millers book "blue like jazz" has revitalized my thinking about being passionate about christ and the radical calling of being a disciple of christ. i heard a prof say the other day that if you are going through difficult times and if life seems burdensome and overbearing, that's ok, because we should always be at the point where "if god doesnt help me, i will fail." i want that to be my motto for my passion. i want to do something so amazing that if god doesnt do it, i will fail miserably. i want to be stretched, i hurts..., and i dislike discomfort, but i want to be at that point. if god doesnt help me, i will fail!
i say all this because i want passion! i want passion for my friends, for my family, for life, for others, for love, for grace, for justice, for giving, for hope. passion is not a bad word, but, it can be if it is associated with my previously discussed passion. can i be passionate for life? of course, life in the library is fun for only so long!
when i was in college "passion" was one of those words that caused red flags to go up in my head. i guess its because as a teenager i went to an extremely conservative church and we were expected (if of course we were to be spiritual) to have moving experiences of the spirit, and then we would arise to the spiritual status of being "on fire" for the Lord. to this day im still not sure what it means to be "on fire" (dispensationalists, we are really allegoricists when it comes to your own talking!!). the best example of this is summer camp. we would go away to camp for a week or so. it was like clockwork, about the 3rd night or so the singing would last a bit longer and then the invitations would be longer, until the end of the week on the last night or the last two nights we would have "revival." kids would get saved (again), others would get all emotional and cry and get things "right" in their lives. we would make decisions of which we really did mean. to really tell if we had a renewed passion for god we could always tell by how long the singing went on after the meeting. if we all gathered around a fire and sang for a couple hours we knew that there was a true "passion" in our hearts and now we were considered "on fire" and would go home to spread the renewed flame. ya, we went home and two weeks later there was no difference, things were back to normal. all our rock and roll that we threw away (but really didnt) was back in our cd players, and all that time we spent making out with our girlfriends was reviving. so much for "passion."
so that was my difficulty with the word "passion" it brought back to many memories of useless and environmentally engineered emotionalism. i remember distinctly one of my first few days here in dallas at the seminary. i was walking into the dining commons and preparing to get a tray and silverware when one of "those" guys came up to me. he asked, "so whats your passion?" Inside my head i rolled my eyes, and said "I cant escape this mess, its everywhere, even in seminary!" So i answered the unlikely answer just to throw him off. I said, "books." Im sure he was expecting a more ministry oriented answer like "youth" or "evangelism" or "small groups" or something like that, but ya, i said "books." In his effort to remain "relevant" (another code word) he said something along the lines of "thats cool." to this day i am still friends with the guy and he is not what i expected him to be, he was just using what he thought was "seminary-speak", see, he had been on the campus of the University of California - Berkely for four years or so and he just thought seminary would be different from a secular university. i think he just wanted to be my friend so he was making small talk. any way, thats what i feared for so long. passion which equaled engineered emotionalism. i hate engineered emotionalism because i hate fake. i think i hate fake so much because i was so fake for so long! i walked the walk, i talked the talk, i even went to camp and got set "on fire!" not really, but you know what i mean.
so you see, i disliked this "passion" word because of what it reminded me of. you to understand you have to follow this: in college, my third year, i became enlightened. i started reading books in the library and soon i was encountered with the theological societies, journals, the evangelical academic publishers, andquickly i realized that the christianity in which i was raised and the christianity of the school of which i was attending was just simply a product of the 2nd great awakening revivalist, anti-intellectual, emotionalistic, individualistic thinking. and as is normal with most people who are enlightened, i became prideful. i looked down upon all my class mates who were so ignorant of the truth! the truth was found in the books (i thought)! now i was in the library 5 hours a night every night unless i had some athletic event to attend. i graduated with honors having not received anything less than an A in a long time. so i went to seminary with this great pride, i graduated college dissenting from their institution and everyone in the bible faculty knew it. i got to seminary and found that the people here were no different than the other christians i knew.
so my problem with passion is obvious. it reminds me of my past christianity and my college alma mater's thinking. it is foolish (i thought), the answers are in the books (i thought)! guess what happened? i burned out on academics. it still has been over 3 years since i have had anything but an A in school, but now things are different. i dont know what happened. i dont know where i took the fork in the road. i think it was the slave-master called knowledge that caused me to run. there are so many books, so many viewpoints, so many theories and philosophies, surely no one person can even learn about them all in their lifetime, let alone master any one of them! so now, this passion thing doesnt seem so bad, but its still not the same passion that i am reminded of when i think of the revivalistic mentality. its a renewed passion. a passion to live life to the full, to find fullfilment in god and his purpose for my life.
have i found that passion yet? no. but i think about it. don millers book "blue like jazz" has revitalized my thinking about being passionate about christ and the radical calling of being a disciple of christ. i heard a prof say the other day that if you are going through difficult times and if life seems burdensome and overbearing, that's ok, because we should always be at the point where "if god doesnt help me, i will fail." i want that to be my motto for my passion. i want to do something so amazing that if god doesnt do it, i will fail miserably. i want to be stretched, i hurts..., and i dislike discomfort, but i want to be at that point. if god doesnt help me, i will fail!
i say all this because i want passion! i want passion for my friends, for my family, for life, for others, for love, for grace, for justice, for giving, for hope. passion is not a bad word, but, it can be if it is associated with my previously discussed passion. can i be passionate for life? of course, life in the library is fun for only so long!