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another semester is done. i feel no different, i do not see any obvious signs of improvement in my person, rather i feel like i have digressed in my character as a whole.

not much means anything to me any more. i almost cant feel. its not that i dont want to not feel, but i just cant feel. i guess thats an overstatement, there are many things i care about, but i think im tired, ready for a change, ready to see a new part of the world, a part of the world where i feel like i can make a difference.

i dont know if im bored with my place in life at this point, but whatever has caused my lethargy has got me down. its hard to pin point, but i know there is something inside giving me hope, but its unknownness is not much help. its one of those indescribable feelings. its like a flint that has all the possibility of being sparked but the matchstick is missing. its something that is outside me. its something that bigger than me.

i dont feel like i can write any more. if i would write i would write about something that meant something to me, but i cant find anything that does so my writing is about me and my not having something to write about. how unfortunate.

whats happening in my life right now?
-im in school full time, a christian, evangelical, graduate school
-im working, an office job
-i like a girl, i dont think she even knows.
-i have little connection to my immediate family, except my parents and steph.
-im in a city that only cares about my money
-i live with two men... i have lived with men for the las 8 years. ughhh!!
-my friends are many, but i dont have close relationships except with a couple
-i dont have a lot of money and the money i do have goes to school.

maybe these things are tiring me. maybe i have set myself up for disappointment. at sometimes i wish i was like every other hometown guy who grows up, goes to school, gets a job, gets married and just exists. i dont even know what i want.

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