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the best way to describe the disposition of my being is found in the term "clouded." my mind is clouded, that is my mind is characterized by the concept of cloudiness. cloudiness, if i am correct, necessary indicates a state of confusion or lostness. have i lost my mind... no, i dont think so, rather, i think my mind is so full of horrors, mysteries, wonders, and the like so that i cannot think straight. it is that my mind is so full of these things that i cannot find the sight. sight into the future, sight to make difficult and life changing decisions, sight to see the next five years, sight to do what is right in the next stage of my life.

have i got it wrong. the normal way to go about this life is to make a decision, follow through with it and then evaluate at the end of the process. sometimes evaluation comes all to quickly and a decision must be made earlier than was intended. however, i would like to avoid the necessary evaluation by making the right choice in the beginning, but unfortunately i dont think this is possible. foresight does not necessarily include foreseeing future events.

after school, what should i do? the procedure is as follows. decide on something i like. how can i make that fit into my life. go through with the event and after a given amount of time, evaluate.

so here are my thoughts

1. continue with school at the Doctoral Level: I would like to do this, but i dont know what i would like to study. thats usually necessary at the doctoral level. other things clouding my mind. where do i go? how much will it cost and can i afford it? is this the right thing to do? where would i like to take this degree?

2. end the schooling and begin a ministry position: my society tells me that once i am done with school i need to do that which i have been trained for. so i have been trained for ministry, then i must enter the ministry. things that are clouding my mind. where should i go? should i just walk through any open door? what type of ministry would i like to enter? what goals would i like to have for ministry? do i believe honestly that ministry works? (often taken for granted)

3. end school and enter the secular working world: part of me says to do this because i think i am burned out.

what do i want? vs. what does God want?:

First, my life needs to be in order. I must be pure and open before the Lord. I want to seek him before i make a decision. I have yet to have an audible voice, so i understand that this act is merely an act of faith demonstrating my need and devotion to the God.

Second, what is it that i desire to do with my life? Simple but difficult. Part of me wants to famous. Part of me wants to be rich. Part of me wants to have a family. Part of me wants to make a genuine difference in the world. Part of me wants to help people. A lot of me wants to continue to learn and study - but for what... Riches and Fame i do not need. Those are fleeting. Family is good. Making a difference is good. Helping people is good. Learning is good. Can I combine these? Is there a place where i can do these things and get paid for it?

Third, I have a desire to do what God wants (thought not necessarily seen in all facets of life, my earthly desires are strong) and I have a desire to find a place where i can be an influence. where is this place...?

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