Where did I get my ideas about love from? What is love? Is it a feeling? Is love an action? Is love perfect? Do you "fall in love" or does it "find its way to you?" Will I never have doubts about a lifelong love? If I love a person will I always have intense feelings of passion for that person? Should love be based upon commitment or based upon affection? Why do people say "when you know, you know." What do they mean by that? What is it that they know? Is it just so obvious that you will know with complete certainty, the type of certainty that you get in lab tests? Surely love doesn't come softly, at least it hasn't in my case. Why is love so hard?
I care significantly for a girl. I cared so much for her that I broke up with her. Ya, exactly. I don't understand either. I doesn't seem to make sense, any sense at all. I found a girl who loves deeply, I found girl who demonstrates significant selflessness and loyalty. I found a girl who likes the idea of devoting life to healthy passionate loving. But I let it go. I had a feeling that maybe I didn't like her as much as she liked me. I didn't know if she was "the-girl-I-have-always-dreamed-of." I panicked. But what type of thinking is this but complete nonsense? What is "the-girl-I-have-always-dreamed-of" but a projection of fairy tales and love stories into real life! Why do I think I am worthy of any love of a woman at all? Why do I think I deserve perfection? Perfection will not come. The Fray - "All At Once".
I have never been more confused in my life. I have never felt this pain before. I have never felt this much discomfort until now. My mind has frozen on one thing, and I can't move! I guess its in this pain that we come to grips with reality, with ourselves, and with the world at hand. Sometimes I wonder if I have not gone mad with love. Why have I been plagued with such a confusing and double-minded heart?