A little insight:
The original purpose of this blog was entirely personal. Its intent, scope, view, aim, and existence was for my purposes and my purposes alone. I saw it as a way to sort of journal and not have to worry about an actual journal. Plus, I type much faster than I can write. I guess over the past year or so I have been caught up in blogging about things that interest me, books I've read, thoughts I couldn't keep inside, etc.
I kind of regret that I have made this public to the degree that it has become... I will not flatter myself, there might be (heavy on the "might") 5 subscribers or so, but still, I never knew one could "subscribe" when I first signed up with blogspot. Not to mention the fact that people link my blog in their posts so others who read them have instant access to me. I can only say, "Oh, well."
I think I am going to continue to blog about "personal" things here, not because I want people to feel sorry, or because I want attention, but because here I can "sort of tell someone without knowing I told someone (until you comment on the post)..." Ya, I agree, that's weird, but humans are weird, and I am human. I think. After all, this blog's subtitle has the idea of "a shared meal in a secret space." That is, you come in my secret space which my blog (Elysium = Latin) and share a meal which are my words (Eranos = greek).
I am man, and we men are strong and level-headed and in-control. Or so we act. I had an interesting conversation with a girl-friend a couple weeks ago. She is the in-your-face kind of person, type-A personality, one who knows little of acceptable social boundaries, one who is unafraid to ask uncomfortable questions. Sometimes I fault her for it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes she aggravates me, most of the time she doesn't. Any way, a couple weeks ago we ended up have a very "personal" conversation. I didn't think it acceptable, in that the answers for which she was probing are typically reserved to a select few of close, trusted, intimate friends. Well, maybe she felt that she should be in that group of my close, trusted, intimate friends, and though I was sort of offended by her probing for information un-entitled to her, I came to appreciate the gesture in that she, somehow, really, honestly cared.
Every day I am reminded how much I need my friends. How much I rely on them. How much they add to my life. I have a tendency of being a friend whore, that is, making as many friends as I can. I surround myself with lots of people, just to make myself feel better about myself. I am typically more concerned about myself feeling better in making friends, more so than simply making friends. It's a weakness I have, I admit it. It's a fault, I clearly see it. I am not without warrant though. Epicurus, the philosopher, said the best thing a man can do for his own personal well-being and benefit is to make a lot of friends.
So I have a lot of friends. I think facebook says I have almost 400 of them, and those are just people who have facebook accounts! Well, not all of my friends are "friends" in that I haven't spoken with them in years, but if we were to dine together tomorrow and catch up, it believe it would be very easy to pick up where we left off.
Thankfully, I have several close friends, friends whom I would die for (I think) and whom would die for me (I think). They know me well. I know them well. I know their struggles, I know their concerns, their weaknesses, their strengths, their potential, their blindnesses, their hopes, their dreams. I would vouch for them at anytime. They know my weaknesses, my faults, my imperfections, my gifts, my dreams, my hurts. They would vouch for me at anytime.
Again, I am "male." I like to pretend I am in-control. I like to play it cool and keep my hurt and happiness inside. I like to be thought of as strong. I like to be considered sane and stable. But the facts are the facts. I am not always what I pretend to be. I need my friends. I cannot live in their absence. So to my friends, I say, thank you. I need you. Laugh at me, cry with me, stand next to me, sit beside me, walk with me, and most of all, forgive me.