A while back I posted a sort of introduction to something I wanted to flesh out a bit in my own thinking. Why do I not abandon my seemingly hopeless indi-vigualante, non-traditionalist, mostly-silly, often-splintered, intellectually-skeptical, American-oriented, consumer-driven, experientially-validating shallow religious heritage and return myself to a lasting and deep tradition that has survived hundreds and hundreds of years even claiming to be directly associated to Christ through its succession of Apostles, Fathers, Bishops and Popes.
Thanks to Scot McKnight's post at Jesus Creed and a friendship I have with a RC professor at a Protestant college in NY and several helpful books (G. Marsden, M. Noll, D.G. Hart, etc.) I have thought much on my own peculiar American expression of Christianity commonly known as Evangelicalism and/or Fundamentalism with my intent to this: simply a deeper understanding of who or, for that matter, what I am in this gigantic terrestrial play about faith and life and my relationship to my Creator.
In order for me to understand why this is even an issue, or why I am drawn to high Church traditions I think it is important to see the context of my religious story.
I grew up in a traditionally Roman Catholic part of New York. Rochester, NY is sort of to Catholicism what Dallas, TX is to Evangelicalism. Each is a safe haven for that particular expression of faith. That is, nominal expression/practice of the faith is accepted as legitimate faith and, most importantly, culturally approved. Not only did I grow up in a RC part of the country, but I grew up in a Fundamentalist Baptist household, my father being the head Pastor at the bible-believing, KJV only, separated, independent Bible Baptist Church. Interestingly enough, my father was raised a RC in a nominally RC home. He attended RC seminary as a boy, was at one point an altar boy and an aspiring priest.
The church I attended consistently taught me as a child that RC's were not "saved" because they believe in "works" salvation and did not have faith, or at least to be suspicious of their faith. A RC needed Jesus just like the worst drunken atheist. And certainly that is legitimate, to the same degree that there are Evangelicals who need Jesus just like the worst drunken atheist, where external religion is not met with internal awakening. In either faith, simply spouting off the words of a formulated prayer does not "separate the sheep from the goats."
Nonetheless, I got "saved", for I had one or two or three legitimate conversion experiences and prayed a prayer on multiple occasions (especially during lightning storms since the rapture was supposed to happen soon and God forbid I miss it because of it's instant suffering), I "laid my all on the altar" at least once a summer at camp, I did my best to maintain my "quiet time," I practiced separation on many accounts for I did not "drink, smoke, or go with girls who do." I was even called "Flanders" at my first job at the pizza shop, a name provided by the association of my life to the life of Ned Flanders, Homer Simpson's bible-thumping, religiously-charismatic, tootoolie-too neighbor. At some point in my freshman year at college I had my first formative spiritual awakening after a brief period of lackadaisical and lackluster spiritual living. At that point I determined to go into the preaching ministry because I felt "called." Ironically, one of the things that caused this awakening was the required reading of St. Augustine for my Intro to Western History class at college. Little did I know that what St. Augustine wrote in his Confessions was changing my heart in a way in which I did not understand.
Longer story short, I transferred colleges and changed majors because I was now studying for the ministry. Instead of an Accounting degree at a "worldly" Christian college in NY, I would now earn a Bible degree at a fundamentalist Christian college in FL, the conservative equivalent of Bob Jones University.
At some point in my college experience I had another sort of awakening. This time the spiritual awakening was spawned by a professor who taught the Bible like none other I had heard. He quoted several well-spoken authors who wrote deep theological thoughts. I had to see these things for myself, and this time I was awakened to the rich theological and biblical world of the books in the library. I was awakened to a world I never knew existed. I read feverishly, reading as much as possible as fast as possible. At some point I discovered St. Thomas A Kempis and began to use him as a guide in my time alone with God in the library. This was my first real orientation to the RC faith. I read Thomas A Kempis' Imitation of Christ and was astounded by his devotion, wisdom, spirituality, and yes, believe it or not, his faith in Jesus Christ, his Savior. I do not recall if St. Thomas A Kempis actually referred to Jesus as his "personal Lord and Savior" so maybe there is room for doubt.
At this point in my journey I began to question the papal nature of my fundamentalist faith. Things didn't look so black and white any more and I began to learn how to think and not what to think. I soon distanced myself from my own personal fundamentalism and my own personal spiritual arrogance, as if my camp was the only one who got it right, as if I had every answer to the complexity of life fit neatly in the sixty-six books of the KJV. I soon began to see that my camp was really a bunch of popes telling their congregations what to do and that in order to gain acceptance in the "fold of God" they must act a certain way, dress a certain way, speak a certain way, and heck, even walk a certain way. It was if God wanted everyone to catch the spirit of non-diversity as if like-mindedness meant we shout "AMEN!" when the preacher started ranting about knee-length skirts and two-piece bathing suits. I observed that the aspiring preacher boys would preach just like the other "good" preacher boys who were good only because they copied the well-known evangelist who came through the campus who's messages ironically took on the same shape as the god-like (deserving of worship) Campus Pastor - three alliterated points and an invitation. As if the Bible continuously fit into three carefully alliterated points at all times?
I soon began to see the shallowness of faith, the harshness of its legalism, the arrogance of its way of thinking, the us-verses-them mentality, the incapacity to think and speak theologically, the ungenuineness of the people's words concerning life, the lack of vulnerability and authenticity in the spiritual leaders, all of which was most unlike what I saw in St. Augustine and St. Thomas A Kempis.
What I was looking for was what my RC friend and professor said in a brief email to me explaining his "return" to the Catholic faith. He said that, "I think I could summarize my journey by saying that it was a theological and historical (and spiritual) quest for (1) completeness and fullness of doctrine; (2) consistency; (3) theological and dogmatic and historical integrity; and (4) spiritual strength and practical graces to live a more honoring life for our Divine Lord." What my friend was looking for and what I am looking for is depth and I did not find it in my then current "tradition" of Christianity. Fortunately I have found an expression of a deep faith at a PCA church here in Dallas.
So why is it that I have not turned to what seems to be the logical conclusion of it all? Why have I not converted? Though it is true that my experience in my "tradition" lacked depth, I do not believe it had to, and for that reason I do not give up on it. So, at this point, I do not believe it is necessary to align myself with the RC faith to affirm its deepness, to participate in its deep faith, to experience a deep union with God, to believe deep doctrine. I believe I can add depth to the church without being RC, I believe I can think deeply without confirming myself in the RC Church, I believe I can play a role in the deep heritage of faith without being specifically RC.
I will continue thinking on this subject and address some of the things Scot McKnight did especially concerning conversion and evangelism and the lack of it in RC or EO.