The coffee at Panera is unbearably bad tonight. It's lukewarm and bitter for whatever reason. Maybe its a sign of the times. Bad market, bad coffee. It's probably a Salmonish way for those rich executives to get back at us. They're thinking, "If your not going to spend as much money at our restaurant, then we're going to serve you bitter coffee! HAHA!" Ya, thanks! Merry Christmas you cheapskates! I guess I could try the other brew's, the hazelnut or the dark roast, but I stick with the light roast. For some strange reason I think "light" means less caffeine, which is clearly a misnomer. It's just a lighter flavor. I can't fall asleep as fast if I drink caffeine past 8. I know what you're thinking. Drink the decaffeinated, then. I can't. There's something inauthentic about drinking decaffeinated coffee that doesn't make the coffee drinking experience as fulfilling. Any way, the light roast will have to do tonight.
I left my apartment this evening to escape the fifty degree temperatures in the wretched place. Electricity is expensive, you know. If I were honest, I would tell you the real reason, which I am going to tell you, so I guess that does classify me as "honest." But who am I kidding? Every day is new act. Any way, I really left for one because I was anxious. I got home after work pretty early. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are early days for me. I don't take lunches, so I work 8 hours, fill my obligation to the machine, and leave on the minute. No time is wasted though. I put in an honest days work... most of the time. And if I don't put in a honest days work, it's because it's slow on the orders. There have been a lot of slow days in the past few months. Because of the housing market crash, banks don't need us as much. The banks are really struggling right now, which means we're struggling. But, that's most of America right now, though I hear the frozen pizza industry is doing just fine. Back to my point. I left because I was anxious. Anxious because I was alone. My roommates are gone. Joel moved out on Saturday, back to Alaska. I'll definitely miss the Salmon King. Tim left for Nashville or Del Rio or both, I can't remember, and Garrett high-tailed his rear-end back to Huntington for the holidays. Actually, I don't know if Garrett will come back. He quite his job and now he is jobless and he might be homeless if he doesn't get me a rent check quick. I had hoped someone would call or text me saying something was going on, but nothing. I know it's ridiculous, but I often tie my self-worth to the amount of calls or texts I get in a day. Today, I got three texts. All from Ryan, and I work with the guy. One person contacted me today. I guess that makes me pretty worthless. Ridiculous, silly, immature... but, I might as well be honest.
So, I'm "home alone" during the Christmas season. It's cold, and lonely, and dark in my apartment. I'm leaving Wednesday to go to my real "home," though. These days have been pretty lonely days. About this time last year I broke up with April. Those were lonely, hard days. These days I have a similar feeling. Friends have been busy. Seriously, three very close friends got married or engaged in the past month. Three of my CLOSEST friends. Wow. What's wrong with me? What's my problem. I'm trying, I promise. I've taken a girl on few dates in the past few weeks, but I can't really read her. We went to see a movie last night called "Slumdog Millionare." She's definitely awesome. But, I may not be awesome enough. I guess I'll find out soon. Isn't there like a 5 date minimum before you have a "DTR" talk? I'm not good at bringing that stuff up, though. So it might go to 10 before I get enough courage to ask her what she's thinking. I'm scared of the rejection, you know. If I knew what she was thinking, I wouldn't be so hesitant, but I don't. She's definitely playing her cards right. I mean, no guy wants the girl to initiate much, if anything, but see, that's one of my problems. I can't initiate very well. I'm an incompetent initiator. Big problem in this dating world. Whatever. I don't care. Actually, yes I do. I feel like I am less of a man. I am... less. I am second. I hope for the best and expect the worst and everything is OK. I trick myself.
I realized tonight that I can't be still. I realized this when I awoke from my nap. Naps are life-savers. I feel like hell after I pay the machine my time. Eight hours of monotony, go figure. Some one please tell me, why did I need an education again? I take a nap, then I'm ready to go for the night. That's what she said. So, I awoke and starred at the cold ceiling for a few minutes. I don't know about you but I can't just lay in bed unless I'm going to sleep or sleeping or trying to sleep. Some people can just lay there, but I can't. I feel like I'm wasting time. So, I got up. My apartment was dark. I thought about smoking a cigarette, but that's just generally a really bad idea. So, I was bored. I was bored and anxious. I thought to myself, "I will just sit here and read and be quiet." But I was hungry, too. I was hungry, bored, and anxious. Heaven knows there ain't nothing in my refrigerator. Well, actually, there is. But I don't think mustard and ketchup followed by a mayonnaise chaser is really that filling, let alone appetizing. I thought about ordering a pizza. I love cold pizza in the morning for breakfast, but then I realized I was just pushing back the inevitable. I will have to return to a cold, dark, lonely, scary apartment and be quiet. But I can't just sit still and be quiet. This is a vice, for sure. I have to know things are going on around me. So I opted for the standard panera option. They have a fireplace (but its not on), food, and the internet. Not to mention cute girls, most of the time. They're haven't been very many tonight, though... I guess the cold is keeping them in.
I left my apartment. Not because I had something to do, but I left because I was lonely, cold, hungry, and anxious - because I cant sit still or just plain old be quiet. So here I am. At panera, telling you about my evening, but it's still lonely, cold, and anxious here. There's a couple next to me. Deep in discussion, holding hands across the table. My headphones are in, listening to a recent iTunes download. A band called "Brand New" and their album "The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me." It's the best album download in while, that's for sure. There's a song on the album called Jesus Christ. One of the lines goes like,
"But with nobody in your bed,
the night's hard to get through,
and I will die all alone.
And when I arrive I won't know anyone.
Well, Jesus Christ I'm alone again,
so what did you do the three days you were dead?"
Kind of depressing, but it resonates with me tonight. Alone, bored, and unsure. I could replay this song a thousand times before I get bored with it. I brought a Theology to study and read, but who am I kidding? Really? Emil Brunner's volume I of his Systematic Theology "The Christian Doctrine of God." Ha! I crack myself up sometimes. Very noble intentions.
And I digress... It's a cold, dark, lonely, anxious world. Another Brand New lyric from the song Millstone,
"Never hit the brakes
there's no time to save him,
He just ran out in the street
anybody know his name?
I think I recognize him
Sure as hell paid for that mistake"
Well, Panera closes in 10 minutes. So, off to my cold, lonely, angst-ridden apartment.
I left my apartment this evening to escape the fifty degree temperatures in the wretched place. Electricity is expensive, you know. If I were honest, I would tell you the real reason, which I am going to tell you, so I guess that does classify me as "honest." But who am I kidding? Every day is new act. Any way, I really left for one because I was anxious. I got home after work pretty early. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are early days for me. I don't take lunches, so I work 8 hours, fill my obligation to the machine, and leave on the minute. No time is wasted though. I put in an honest days work... most of the time. And if I don't put in a honest days work, it's because it's slow on the orders. There have been a lot of slow days in the past few months. Because of the housing market crash, banks don't need us as much. The banks are really struggling right now, which means we're struggling. But, that's most of America right now, though I hear the frozen pizza industry is doing just fine. Back to my point. I left because I was anxious. Anxious because I was alone. My roommates are gone. Joel moved out on Saturday, back to Alaska. I'll definitely miss the Salmon King. Tim left for Nashville or Del Rio or both, I can't remember, and Garrett high-tailed his rear-end back to Huntington for the holidays. Actually, I don't know if Garrett will come back. He quite his job and now he is jobless and he might be homeless if he doesn't get me a rent check quick. I had hoped someone would call or text me saying something was going on, but nothing. I know it's ridiculous, but I often tie my self-worth to the amount of calls or texts I get in a day. Today, I got three texts. All from Ryan, and I work with the guy. One person contacted me today. I guess that makes me pretty worthless. Ridiculous, silly, immature... but, I might as well be honest.
So, I'm "home alone" during the Christmas season. It's cold, and lonely, and dark in my apartment. I'm leaving Wednesday to go to my real "home," though. These days have been pretty lonely days. About this time last year I broke up with April. Those were lonely, hard days. These days I have a similar feeling. Friends have been busy. Seriously, three very close friends got married or engaged in the past month. Three of my CLOSEST friends. Wow. What's wrong with me? What's my problem. I'm trying, I promise. I've taken a girl on few dates in the past few weeks, but I can't really read her. We went to see a movie last night called "Slumdog Millionare." She's definitely awesome. But, I may not be awesome enough. I guess I'll find out soon. Isn't there like a 5 date minimum before you have a "DTR" talk? I'm not good at bringing that stuff up, though. So it might go to 10 before I get enough courage to ask her what she's thinking. I'm scared of the rejection, you know. If I knew what she was thinking, I wouldn't be so hesitant, but I don't. She's definitely playing her cards right. I mean, no guy wants the girl to initiate much, if anything, but see, that's one of my problems. I can't initiate very well. I'm an incompetent initiator. Big problem in this dating world. Whatever. I don't care. Actually, yes I do. I feel like I am less of a man. I am... less. I am second. I hope for the best and expect the worst and everything is OK. I trick myself.
I realized tonight that I can't be still. I realized this when I awoke from my nap. Naps are life-savers. I feel like hell after I pay the machine my time. Eight hours of monotony, go figure. Some one please tell me, why did I need an education again? I take a nap, then I'm ready to go for the night. That's what she said. So, I awoke and starred at the cold ceiling for a few minutes. I don't know about you but I can't just lay in bed unless I'm going to sleep or sleeping or trying to sleep. Some people can just lay there, but I can't. I feel like I'm wasting time. So, I got up. My apartment was dark. I thought about smoking a cigarette, but that's just generally a really bad idea. So, I was bored. I was bored and anxious. I thought to myself, "I will just sit here and read and be quiet." But I was hungry, too. I was hungry, bored, and anxious. Heaven knows there ain't nothing in my refrigerator. Well, actually, there is. But I don't think mustard and ketchup followed by a mayonnaise chaser is really that filling, let alone appetizing. I thought about ordering a pizza. I love cold pizza in the morning for breakfast, but then I realized I was just pushing back the inevitable. I will have to return to a cold, dark, lonely, scary apartment and be quiet. But I can't just sit still and be quiet. This is a vice, for sure. I have to know things are going on around me. So I opted for the standard panera option. They have a fireplace (but its not on), food, and the internet. Not to mention cute girls, most of the time. They're haven't been very many tonight, though... I guess the cold is keeping them in.
I left my apartment. Not because I had something to do, but I left because I was lonely, cold, hungry, and anxious - because I cant sit still or just plain old be quiet. So here I am. At panera, telling you about my evening, but it's still lonely, cold, and anxious here. There's a couple next to me. Deep in discussion, holding hands across the table. My headphones are in, listening to a recent iTunes download. A band called "Brand New" and their album "The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me." It's the best album download in while, that's for sure. There's a song on the album called Jesus Christ. One of the lines goes like,
"But with nobody in your bed,
the night's hard to get through,
and I will die all alone.
And when I arrive I won't know anyone.
Well, Jesus Christ I'm alone again,
so what did you do the three days you were dead?"
Kind of depressing, but it resonates with me tonight. Alone, bored, and unsure. I could replay this song a thousand times before I get bored with it. I brought a Theology to study and read, but who am I kidding? Really? Emil Brunner's volume I of his Systematic Theology "The Christian Doctrine of God." Ha! I crack myself up sometimes. Very noble intentions.
And I digress... It's a cold, dark, lonely, anxious world. Another Brand New lyric from the song Millstone,
"Never hit the brakes
there's no time to save him,
He just ran out in the street
anybody know his name?
I think I recognize him
Sure as hell paid for that mistake"
Well, Panera closes in 10 minutes. So, off to my cold, lonely, angst-ridden apartment.