My dear friend,
First, you are not a horrible friend? Whatever gave you that idea? If anyone here is a "horrible" friend, it is yours truly. I am perhaps the most selfish person I know. I would more readily chose myself over you any day. See, I have never prayed for you. I have never thought to pray for you. I will tell you that I will pray for you (and may very well have), but I haven't. How can I say I care for you and never lift you up to my savior? That is going to change.
I struggle everyday to get over myself. I often feel strong guilt over my "internalness". I am cursed with a spirit of internalness. The past few months have been a unending internal battle. I often think that God is silent for no other reason than to be silent, to be unreachable, to be "wholly other." I often think he keeps things from me... things that I deeply desire because I have at some point in the past sinned horrendously against Him. This has led only to a form or spiritual depression and spiritual destitution. Thankfully I often come across good books, and Ryan recommended Henri Nouwen's "Life of the Beloved". It breathed life into my soul for a time.
Nonetheless, if anyone knows my struggles, surely it is God, and if he is silent in them, how can I trust him? How can I worship a God who has put me on the back burner? Its almost like... "my God, why have you forsaken me?" Then I stop... reflect... and think how small my problems are and how deeply hurt the world is... and I am instantly shamed for my love of self. There are times when I ride in my car and curse at the top of my lungs. My cursing, of course, is directed at God. How awful is that! The one who gave me life and has given over and over, the one who is ready to forgive, to embrace - and I scream profanities at Him defaming his precious name. Seriously, one of my daily prayers goes something like this - "F***."
This may very well be my "Dark night of the soul." If so, then I am grateful because I know that the purpose of this is to break me of my selfishness and immaturity and bring me to a place of spiritual vibrancy of spiritual rest where I know I am my Savior's beloved and he is my beloved. I long for the day when I can rest. When I can walk without guilt shadowing over me. When I will know that I am accepted and no longer have to win the favor of my God. When I am free to love as Jesus loves. But the dawn, if the dawn is to come, is future still. At this point the shadows have consumed me and God seems to have little to say. So let Him be silent, if that is what's best. The night is darkest just before the dawn.
Any way, enough of my silly, self-loving rambling. You are a light. You are blessed with a spirit of love and otherness. It comes natural to you - I am infinitely envious. I pray that God will never take that from you. If there weren't brothers like you in my life I would soon shrivel up and wither on the first dry summer day - then be carried away into a life of darkness. You are a blessing sent from God. You are a reason why I still seek to love others. I would have much less inspiration to love deeply, to be broken for a broken world had you not taken the time to befriend me. I do not mean to tickle your ears, its just true and you need to know.
I know where you are coming from when you talk about with this "knowing for sure" modernity stuff... I have to question all that I have been taught to believe because of the system of philosophy it was built on (Americanism, Pragmatism, Modernism, Rationalism, etc...) I am hesitant to believe anything that reminds me of my inherited Christianity, the faith of "my father" so to speak. I was taught to be so sure about everything (all that end times rubbish immediately comes to mind). We don't "know" much of anything. We can't, else it wouldn't much of a faith. We dialogue among ourselves and work with the "STORY" and see if it makes sense of the "stories". That's the best we can do. Nevertheless I was told, "real," "healthy," "strong," Christians have little doubts. BS. Much of what I doubt stems from the realization of my inability to fully grasp the details of the Narrative. Life's narrative is more complex than we can ever imagine and the solution I was taught was to sit down, open my Bible, and point to a verse and say, "See, the answer is right here." It's never that simple. I wish it were. You're right, we will never have it "figured out." Thankfully so. The complexity of the Bible is only a testimony to the complexity of life altogether and vice versa. Where I have found safe footing is in the historic community of faith. I have to believe that Spirit has been working through the community of faith to house sound teaching and sound truth. Surely every one is "man/woman of their time," but truth is passed down through the faithful by the power of the Spirit who is always moving among us. That is why I can trust Scripture and the Creeds and the Tradition of faith, because they have been held by millions of believers over several hundred years by the life-giving power of the Spirit of Christ. That community is worthy of my trust.... Baptist preachers aren't worthy of my trust.
Any way, I appreciate the honesty on your end as well. Like I said, the not praying for you thing is going to change... I would love to pray with you sometime. I would love to chat a bit or just seek the Lord's ear for a few minutes. Sound good? I love you.
Merry Christmas,
ART
First, you are not a horrible friend? Whatever gave you that idea? If anyone here is a "horrible" friend, it is yours truly. I am perhaps the most selfish person I know. I would more readily chose myself over you any day. See, I have never prayed for you. I have never thought to pray for you. I will tell you that I will pray for you (and may very well have), but I haven't. How can I say I care for you and never lift you up to my savior? That is going to change.
I struggle everyday to get over myself. I often feel strong guilt over my "internalness". I am cursed with a spirit of internalness. The past few months have been a unending internal battle. I often think that God is silent for no other reason than to be silent, to be unreachable, to be "wholly other." I often think he keeps things from me... things that I deeply desire because I have at some point in the past sinned horrendously against Him. This has led only to a form or spiritual depression and spiritual destitution. Thankfully I often come across good books, and Ryan recommended Henri Nouwen's "Life of the Beloved". It breathed life into my soul for a time.
Nonetheless, if anyone knows my struggles, surely it is God, and if he is silent in them, how can I trust him? How can I worship a God who has put me on the back burner? Its almost like... "my God, why have you forsaken me?" Then I stop... reflect... and think how small my problems are and how deeply hurt the world is... and I am instantly shamed for my love of self. There are times when I ride in my car and curse at the top of my lungs. My cursing, of course, is directed at God. How awful is that! The one who gave me life and has given over and over, the one who is ready to forgive, to embrace - and I scream profanities at Him defaming his precious name. Seriously, one of my daily prayers goes something like this - "F***."
This may very well be my "Dark night of the soul." If so, then I am grateful because I know that the purpose of this is to break me of my selfishness and immaturity and bring me to a place of spiritual vibrancy of spiritual rest where I know I am my Savior's beloved and he is my beloved. I long for the day when I can rest. When I can walk without guilt shadowing over me. When I will know that I am accepted and no longer have to win the favor of my God. When I am free to love as Jesus loves. But the dawn, if the dawn is to come, is future still. At this point the shadows have consumed me and God seems to have little to say. So let Him be silent, if that is what's best. The night is darkest just before the dawn.
Any way, enough of my silly, self-loving rambling. You are a light. You are blessed with a spirit of love and otherness. It comes natural to you - I am infinitely envious. I pray that God will never take that from you. If there weren't brothers like you in my life I would soon shrivel up and wither on the first dry summer day - then be carried away into a life of darkness. You are a blessing sent from God. You are a reason why I still seek to love others. I would have much less inspiration to love deeply, to be broken for a broken world had you not taken the time to befriend me. I do not mean to tickle your ears, its just true and you need to know.
I know where you are coming from when you talk about with this "knowing for sure" modernity stuff... I have to question all that I have been taught to believe because of the system of philosophy it was built on (Americanism, Pragmatism, Modernism, Rationalism, etc...) I am hesitant to believe anything that reminds me of my inherited Christianity, the faith of "my father" so to speak. I was taught to be so sure about everything (all that end times rubbish immediately comes to mind). We don't "know" much of anything. We can't, else it wouldn't much of a faith. We dialogue among ourselves and work with the "STORY" and see if it makes sense of the "stories". That's the best we can do. Nevertheless I was told, "real," "healthy," "strong," Christians have little doubts. BS. Much of what I doubt stems from the realization of my inability to fully grasp the details of the Narrative. Life's narrative is more complex than we can ever imagine and the solution I was taught was to sit down, open my Bible, and point to a verse and say, "See, the answer is right here." It's never that simple. I wish it were. You're right, we will never have it "figured out." Thankfully so. The complexity of the Bible is only a testimony to the complexity of life altogether and vice versa. Where I have found safe footing is in the historic community of faith. I have to believe that Spirit has been working through the community of faith to house sound teaching and sound truth. Surely every one is "man/woman of their time," but truth is passed down through the faithful by the power of the Spirit who is always moving among us. That is why I can trust Scripture and the Creeds and the Tradition of faith, because they have been held by millions of believers over several hundred years by the life-giving power of the Spirit of Christ. That community is worthy of my trust.... Baptist preachers aren't worthy of my trust.
Any way, I appreciate the honesty on your end as well. Like I said, the not praying for you thing is going to change... I would love to pray with you sometime. I would love to chat a bit or just seek the Lord's ear for a few minutes. Sound good? I love you.
Merry Christmas,
ART