My friend and fellow recovering ex-fundamentalist,
I greet you joyously knowing the freedom you have found in leaving fundamentalism, however I am saddened by your departure as a whole from our Lord. I indeed understand the hardship which you have faced is cause for questioning God’s existence, faithfulness, and love to his creation. I would like to respond to you because I feel like I understand your socio-religious background. Let me first tell you my goal is not to re-convert you, but rather to give you a second thought from one who grew up in similar roots, whose posture of faith remains bent toward the gospel.
I also grew up in ultra-conservative fundamentalism. If names like Peter Ruckman, Jack Hyles, Arlin Horton, etc, mean anything to you than you will understand. I graduated from PCC. OMG. I cannot believe it, but it’s true. What a crazy place. Fear, guilt, shame, legalism were the name of the game! As long as you “caught the spirit” all of life would be good and God would be happy. I was fed the same “brainwashing” agenda’s that you were for 23 years of my life. My father was, and is, a Baptist preacher. I struggled too. I struggled with the fact that it was “my” responsibility to “save” everyone. I “committed my life to the Lord” numerous times because of the urgency declared by my teachers. It burdened me, it cause serious anxiety problems, guilt problems, anger problems, etc. If I didn’t tell the man sitting next to me on the airplane about Christ, God surely thought I was ashamed of the gospel and He might not “use” me in the future. It drove me to an extreme Calvinism for a short time. Thankfully, the hyper-Calvinist God is not the God of the Bible either. Now, I have not had any serious health issues, by the grace of God, but I can’t help but be trite and think of Job. Maybe he was real, maybe he is fictional. The point of the story is not his actual existence. The intent of the story is to demonstrate God’s “God-ness” over your mind and his creation. God is God, and is intimately caring about his creation, though we still mock him and throw our fists in his face.
I too, struggle with depression. I think, “God, why the heck am I thinking about going into ministry.” I think, “God I have extended so much energy for you, and I have nothing to show for it.” I think, “God, you know that I need certain things and yet you keep them from me.” I think, “God, why have you blessed me so much and allowed extravagant suffering in others?” I think, “God, you laugh at me, you trick me, you try to cause problems!” It’s true. I struggle, too. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t and if they tell you they don’t, they can’t be trusted.
Thankfully, I had a professor at PCC who graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary who was a “real” as I have found. What he was doing there, I have no idea. He did not fit there. Other than God’s providence, I have no explanation. He helped lead serious students out of the mess of fundamentalism. Ironically, PCC did not “renew” his teaching contract. He encouraged me and helped me think through issues with a more Christian mind than a fundamentalist mind. Yes, fundamentalists are Christians (I think), but not all Christians are fundamentalists (thankfully). I don’t regret going to PCC, I try not to blame my parents and schools for teaching me in the “narrow” way (of fundamentalism), because I believe they had my best in mind.
Obviously I don’t know how bad your eyesight is at this point, but I can’t help but suggest some books (I hope that you will not find that offensive, it is certainly not my intent). A book I found very helpful for my particular situation was Randall Balmer’s Growing Pains. He had a very similar experience in fundamentalism. If you want a more sarcastic and more entertaining book, Franky Schaefer’s (Francis Schaefer’s Son) Crazy for God is interesting, too say the least. Though Franky Schaefer left mainstream Evangelicalism, he still believes, from what I understand, the essentials… Think Nicene Creed.
Regarding aspects of loosing faith (Bible and Science) I would say this, and again my goal is not to re-convert you. First, our view of the Bible as fundamentalists is rigid and misguided. It is His word, yes, but it involves humans. Humans kill, rape, steal, plunder, enslave, etc. I have read the Bible several times. I have a Masters of Theology. These are difficult issues, but I don’t know of a trajectory in Scripture that condones rape, genocide, murder, human sacrifice, slavery, incest, etc. Yes, God told Israel to kill, leaving none to live. It’s there, and it cannot be denied. I don’t know how to deal with that either, except to say with Paul what does the pot say to the potter, “why have you made me thus?” God is God. But so as to not sound so rigid myself, this God has revealed himself as a genuinely caring God, in that he loves sinners. God moved toward us. We did not move toward Him. Redemption is God’s activity in spite of us, not because of us. The Bible calls you to faith in the one revealed, Christ. It does not call you to faith in the Bible itself. If there is an error in the Bible, my faith doesn’t fail, because my faith is in God, not the Bible.
Regarding your seeming philosophically Cartesian view of knowledge, I suggest a book called Everlasting Man by G.K. Chesterton and/or David Berlinski’s Devil's Delusion. I’m in the middle of reading both right now and they are very witty and provoking. Both conclude this general idea: Science thinks too highly of itself. Science cannot prove the exact age of the earth, even if it did, it wouldn’t matter, because your issue is really against Young Earth Creationism (i.e. Ken Ham), not the Bible. Take issue with Ken Ham. That’s worthy, because his organization’s agenda bases its entire scheme upon a Modern, Western, Rationalized, prefabricated view of Bible Interpretation (i.e. literal, historical, grammatical reading). God never calls us to put our trust in “proof”, he calls us to trust Him. So if the Bible is the “proof” you were trusting in, I suggest that trust be moved to God and his WORD, Jesus Christ. Read Walter Brueggemann’s Genesis commentary on reading and understanding this part of Genesis. He will give you a good idea of what I am talking about. Finally, based on your logic, if a man can fly in an airplane, then all areas of man’s science must be correct. That’s not very scientific. Technology is not the same science as Geology, just like oranges are not apples. A lot of science is more philosophical than anything requiring a priori assumed philosophical allegiances such as, “there is no Creator.”
I hope you will continue to ask difficult questions, and from time to time call into question your new atheism. All of this is indeed sometimes a bitter pill.