Why do we remember some of the things we do? There are certain events, happenings, thoughts, images, or whatever it may be that I remember like I remember my first kiss. At least this is true of myself. For example, Fire In The Sky, an alien abduction movie, is burned into my mind like a brand into the hide of a steer. The year was 1993, I would have been twelve years old at the time. That was sixteen years ago. The movie changed me. Evening after sleepless evening had me seeing visions of aliens descending on my house, opening the window to my bedroom, and transporting my helpless body thousands of miles away for experimentation. It has haunted me to this day. I probably believed in aliens when I was twelve, but I don't any more. I am convinced that the reason I no longer believe in aliens is because I don't want to be abducted. So then, if I believe it isn't true then it can't happen to me, right? Interesting how the mind works.
When I was a youth I had weird thoughts; thoughts like, "I think I can breath under water." I tried several times, but quickly learned that I couldn't, though I didn't give up without a fight. Funny, I even made the motions fish make with their mouths when they breath, you know, the sort of O-shaped smacking of the lips. I thought this motion would somehow turn the water into air. It was unsuccessful, and a lung-full of water ordered me to stop.
One such thought I had as a youth I remember quite easily. Here's proof I was born with an highly evolved instinct for metaphysics.
The thought went something like this: I wondered if everybody was fake, in the sense of, "not real." I wondered if I was the only "real" person breathing. The "other" people were probably just like animals, without an understanding of the world like me. I wondered if I was the only human who thought thoughts. I wondered if I was the only human who had conscious awareness of the world. I wondered if I was the only one who felt things. I wondered if all of history was just made up, just a story designed to give me the impression that other people were real. I wondered if everything in this world was created for me. Was it created to be one big, giant test for me, and no one else? I often tied this to my strange religious up-bringing in an odd sort of way. It was God and me in the universe, and my purpose was to pass the test God was putting me through.
Silly? Most likely. Maybe these were subconscious thoughts natural to normal human development and growth in a highly religious environment. I don't know, but they were thoughts that came from within, without explanation.
Today, not much is different, sadly. I look back at what was happening then, I look now at my present and realize that those thoughts were only a sign of a deeper flawed vision of God's creation. A vision of life that sees the self as the most important, the most pressing, and the most deserving entity, even at the cost of all others. It's an issue of self-absorption, really. Something like an all-consuming-passion-of-self. It's the outlook on life that looks for self-gratification, self-satisfaction, self-love, self-praise in every outlet of life. I fear it's an issue that is much larger than I realize or understand. I fear that this view of reality may be a motivation for the daily decisions of life.
Another thought I had as a youth and actually still carry today is the thought that I cannot die until I do something great. It's the thought that God gave me life to do something huge, something so huge that no one else, except me, could do. So God cannot cut my life short, I am guaranteed long life.
Of course this mode of thinking assumes that 'worth' and 'greatness' are tied to a measurable size, or a measurable fame, or a measurable influence; one measured by the standards our world has set in place. And certainly and emphatically they are not.
Because I have viewed the world in this way from such a young age, I have struggled to accept that my life may only be mundane, or better said - normal. I have struggled to accept that I am only 1 in a sea of 6 billion strong. Surely I am important! (Yes, for all you optimists, I am 'important' in God's eyes.) I have struggled to accept that I might die tomorrow in a dishonorable or freak-accident way. I have struggled to accept that I am susceptible, just as any, to failure. Maybe this explains my incessant drive to be "better-than-you." If God has called me to greatness, I surmise, shouldn't I be doing great things? Shouldn't everyone be beginning to recognize my greatness?
Silly, this absorption. I know.
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When I was a youth I had weird thoughts; thoughts like, "I think I can breath under water." I tried several times, but quickly learned that I couldn't, though I didn't give up without a fight. Funny, I even made the motions fish make with their mouths when they breath, you know, the sort of O-shaped smacking of the lips. I thought this motion would somehow turn the water into air. It was unsuccessful, and a lung-full of water ordered me to stop.
One such thought I had as a youth I remember quite easily. Here's proof I was born with an highly evolved instinct for metaphysics.
The thought went something like this: I wondered if everybody was fake, in the sense of, "not real." I wondered if I was the only "real" person breathing. The "other" people were probably just like animals, without an understanding of the world like me. I wondered if I was the only human who thought thoughts. I wondered if I was the only human who had conscious awareness of the world. I wondered if I was the only one who felt things. I wondered if all of history was just made up, just a story designed to give me the impression that other people were real. I wondered if everything in this world was created for me. Was it created to be one big, giant test for me, and no one else? I often tied this to my strange religious up-bringing in an odd sort of way. It was God and me in the universe, and my purpose was to pass the test God was putting me through.
Silly? Most likely. Maybe these were subconscious thoughts natural to normal human development and growth in a highly religious environment. I don't know, but they were thoughts that came from within, without explanation.
Today, not much is different, sadly. I look back at what was happening then, I look now at my present and realize that those thoughts were only a sign of a deeper flawed vision of God's creation. A vision of life that sees the self as the most important, the most pressing, and the most deserving entity, even at the cost of all others. It's an issue of self-absorption, really. Something like an all-consuming-passion-of-self. It's the outlook on life that looks for self-gratification, self-satisfaction, self-love, self-praise in every outlet of life. I fear it's an issue that is much larger than I realize or understand. I fear that this view of reality may be a motivation for the daily decisions of life.
Another thought I had as a youth and actually still carry today is the thought that I cannot die until I do something great. It's the thought that God gave me life to do something huge, something so huge that no one else, except me, could do. So God cannot cut my life short, I am guaranteed long life.
Of course this mode of thinking assumes that 'worth' and 'greatness' are tied to a measurable size, or a measurable fame, or a measurable influence; one measured by the standards our world has set in place. And certainly and emphatically they are not.
Because I have viewed the world in this way from such a young age, I have struggled to accept that my life may only be mundane, or better said - normal. I have struggled to accept that I am only 1 in a sea of 6 billion strong. Surely I am important! (Yes, for all you optimists, I am 'important' in God's eyes.) I have struggled to accept that I might die tomorrow in a dishonorable or freak-accident way. I have struggled to accept that I am susceptible, just as any, to failure. Maybe this explains my incessant drive to be "better-than-you." If God has called me to greatness, I surmise, shouldn't I be doing great things? Shouldn't everyone be beginning to recognize my greatness?
Silly, this absorption. I know.
Find art HERE